A Month Later

Day 30 of writing every day.

It’s the 30th day of writing and posting on my blog every day. WordPress seems to have a clock of its own for recording achievements and doesn’t match the timeline from my perspective, but for all intents and purposes, I’ve written and posted every day for a month now.

It’s amazing how many emotional ups and downs there are in my life when I think back on my posts this past month. I thought myself to be pretty stable throughout my life, and maybe I have or had been, but it looks like a rollercoaster right now. I mean it in the sense that there’s a lot of moving up, down and around, and my not being in control. I’m on a course plotted out by others, but not enjoying whatever they devised. These planners think they’re showing riders who lined up for so long a good time, but it’s just in their heads.

I might start writing in the morning and pick up where I left off during lunch break, then finish up my thoughts after work or practice. Sometimes my writing might even read like someone else decided to start writing midway through I might surmise as a result of my mood changing over the course of the day.

But whatever the case I’m putting to words what I’m experiencing and the thoughts running through my head. Thoughts and experiences aren’t always easy to sort out but using language to express them brings some measure of clarity and releases some of the pent up frustration that keeps filling up inside me.

When will it end?

I’ve been on the 11-8 shift for a month going on two now. It’s taken a toll on me physically and mentally. The reduced amount of time I get to practice Aikido is reduced by up to 3 or 4 hours per week because of this schedule and I honestly don’t get to move around during work besides walking to and from the restroom.

I’m adjusting my diet and habits outside work to try and shed the extra weight I put on and prevent unnecessary snacking. But I’m looking at things long term now. This is going to extend beyond my current job and schedule.

There will never be an end unless I chart my own course. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or smooth sailing, but I believe it’s where I’ll be happiest. The most difficult part would be to lay the foundations by planning things out and having a concrete path forward.

The rough draft of my plan

So far I’ve decided to make a choice of selecting what programming school I want to enroll in by the end of January. This is to get a jump start on a much needed change in career outlook which I hope will help me stay on track.

I recently read that you shouldn’t consider quitting while you’re feeling discontent with your job. The reasoning is that you’re not going to be thinking the most rationally given that emotions have a great influence over our ability to think calmly and objectively.

The thing about being a foreign worker whose eligibility to stay in a country is tied to being employed is that it feels like there’s an axe hanging over your head in the sense of more than losing your job but your livelihood in a country you aren’t a citizen of but would still call home.

Do something that might upset your employer and you’re a lot more vulnerable to losing your job than a citizen of the country you’re working in. That might mean refusing to be exploited by working long hours for low pay or worse depending on how scummy the people migrants are forced to deal with.

Anyways I’m aware that I can’t change the law and there’s no sense becoming a citizen of another country where I have no blood relatives. I mean what’s the point of becoming an adult orphan essentially in exchange for citizenship? If I was married with kids and had good relationships with in-laws and other people, it might be worth considering, but that’s not the reality I’m working with.

The next choice I need to make is regarding my current job. I’ve all but decided that I’m not renewing my contract should the offer come. But the next detail to work out is if I will turn in my resignation ahead of the expiration of my contract or stick it out to the end.

Money is always an issue for the working poor and I’m fortunate to have family and relatives that are there to support me should I find myself in financial trouble. But if things get that desperate, the last choice I’d have left is to return to the states and give up my dream of making it in Japan. I’m not giving up though.

Thanks for reading!