Day 31 of writing every day.
Before I went to bed last night, I had some quiet time made for myself. Now that I’m not gaming into the night until I feel too sleepy to go on as a result of gaming addiction, I’m channeling the time and focus to look inwards.
I had some posture correcting done at a chiropractic clinic over a year ago and it had helped with the stiff neck and shoulders I’d experience despite being relatively young as a working adult. I’d been feeling fine most of the time as I had exercises to help release tension and became aware of the need to get up regularly and move around.
However I feel like my spine and neck are feeling less than perfectly aligned, though perfectly aligned is a loose term and more that I feel like something is a little off. This was bound to happen though in a desk job and being in the office worsens things since I don’t have as much liberty to move around as I’d risk being seen as slacking on the job. I’m also missing out on hours of Aikido as I’ve mentioned many times in my recent posts.
Aikido provides me with the time and focus to check my body’s alignment with the universe if one wants to start talking meta, but speaking more concretely it’d be in terms of if my body’s directional forces are working with me and not against me or cancelling each other out because of misalignment.
Being deprived of this self-maintenance is likely one of the reasons I’m getting so many negative thoughts. I’d probably feel this way regardless if I was working a different job and facing the same deprivation of Aikido.
I’m doing what I can at home with solo exercises, but part of the point of Aikido practice is being with and working with others. There’s not much point in anything if you’re completely alone.
You might think that you’re alone when listening to music or reading a book, but those things are the creation of others and express their ideas as a culmination of many hours of work. Working with your own body alone really is working with yourself, there’s no one else telling you how hard it feels for you to perform a movement or engaging a muscle.
So rather than focus on just moving my body actively, I decided to focus on my breathing and really engage my mind or what some call their spirit. Perhaps Aikido has also served as an escape for me mentally. The dojo is a sanctuary of sorts to mentally and physically get away from the rest of the world when practice is in session.
It’s not a hidden secret and people have been quoted in books and articles that going to practice allows them to take their minds off their daily life and just be in the moment. I won’t try to play tough and say that I’m in it for the training only and none of the benefits of being able to step out of daily life matters. That’s basically what a lot of hobbies are essentially for.
Breathing can be a controlled form of meditation practice and there’s value in it as part of a larger routine. Breathing while sitting still by itself isn’t going to build up the nervous connections in your body while it’s active but it can be a great way to reconnect with yourself as it forces you to stop and look inward.
Putting an end to my current problems
I know there’s a lot to deal with from within. I don’t think the internal conversation and struggle ever ends in fact for most if not all people. Breathing meditation has helped me realize the importance of facing them. But there are also external problems I’m facing, specifically my work life, that is just pushing me beyond my comfort zone.
The working professional world tells us that we need to maintain a professional working identity that’s separate from who we are when with friends and family, or out in public as a private citizen enjoying their freedom to travel about and exchange money for services and goods, etc.
This is practical as people from all different walks of life have to work together to get things done and focusing on shared goals is what allows us to get past our differences. Some might say that diversity is a good thing we should embrace, but I believe at its core the message will default back to relying on shared common identities. Focus too much on diversity and accommodating everyone’s needs might even end up offending someone else in the process because they’re polar opposites in beliefs and values.
I consider myself practical and open to adopting ideas and practices that are proven to work and even experiment with ideas to see if it might lead to an unexpected breakthrough.
My attitude has led me to apply for the jobs I’ve held so far and I didn’t shy away because I didn’t know what to expect or because my pay would go down.
When Aikido was already the passion that made me happy, I was willing to sacrifice the 9 to 6 work hours at my last job and later accept my current job that ended up being 10 – 7, at normal operating hours, because I thought it might lead to better opportunities.
There’s little evidence that my hopes for what my current job would lead to will come true in my thinking. Some in the team have been given more opportunities to work assignments that seem to bring more value to the company whereas I feel like I’d been given few opportunities that would allow me to learn and grow into the job I thought I had signed up for.
Anyways, why force myself to stay where I don’t feel like I’m valued? In my depressed mind, I think some of my coworkers secretly want me gone but don’t have the guts to tell me. That or there’s some professional front they want to put up, and so they just keep it in a secret chat until I’m gone.
Leaving my job won’t get rid of all my problems but it’s quite clear to me that I’m not happy where I’m at now and staying longer won’t improve things by much, even should conditions improve slightly.
I feel too emotionally drained and exhausted by my experience to return to even the tolerable level of content I felt before my current assignment. I’m forgiving when I believe I’ve been wronged, but when I feel I’ve been treated unfairly for no justified reason, I’m done. I don’t know how long I’ll hold out and just live day by day until I know I’ve reached my breaking point as a result of my assignment.
Work is a relationship as well, and there are things that are beyond mending once certain lines are crossed. Toxic relationships are better ended than clinged to.
Thanks for reading!
One Chance Works 