Day 52 of writing every day.
It’s February 1st, 2023 and a month has gone by. The feeling of a new year has gone and what remains is a desire for warmer days with longer daytime that is spring. I’ve set some concrete deadlines for some of my life plans going ahead regarding work and study. I’ve got a lot of planning I still need to do in regards to Aikido.
Intrinsically Driven Vs. Extrinsically Driven
As a kid learning to play the violin, there was a mix of intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation that kept me practicing and made me stick with it for so long.
The notes written by the composer contain feelings and emotions that could only be manifested through the instrument and felt by the purity of the sound it produces. I was merely a channel in the whole process. How much I knew a piece by heart determined whether I felt I could play the notes and bring them to life.
Every instrument sounds a little different and every musician also sounds a little different even if they plan the same song equally well. It’s easier to listen for that qualitative difference live in person than through recordings or trying to explain it in words. That is why the world of classical music, despite having the same pieces of music played over and over across the world, recognizes and celebrates gifted musicians of the day as well as the music composed by people centuries ago.
Playing the violin is probably where the perfectionist in me comes out despite being content with not getting everything perfect in my daily life. After all, the expectation for anyone seriously considering getting anywhere in the world of classical music, one of the prerequisites is to hit all the notes and get every little detail down to the letter.
I didn’t play for the applause. That felt cheap to me. There’s a saying that you’re your own worst critic, and that’s kind of how I felt about playing the violin. It doesn’t matter if the audience applauded because they thought my playing was nice or just out of obligation. If I wasn’t content with what I had put out, then it didn’t really matter to me. That is why I preferred to keep my practice time private when I got older, and preferred only to get feedback either from my teacher or after the performance or concert.
Perhaps if I had peers close to me that I considered sharing a friendly rivalry with or played together as friends, then things might have been different. That would have been a nice external motivator to have and have the potential to carry on long-term or even be lifelong.
The songs I learned and concerts I took part in were all externally influenced. Everything I learned was basically part of the pedagogy for violin students that had become standardized with some variation in drills and selection of songs to learn. I wasn’t original in learning by ear and just making up my own songs or mixing things up to create a different experience.
There’s a mishmash of factors but I ultimately veered away from playing the violin as an adult. I enjoyed it enough for it to have the chance of becoming a lifelong passion but things got in the way and I will write more when my thoughts aren’t so jumbled.
Thanks for reading!
One Chance Works 